There's so much to write about since I haven't written in a while I just don't know where to begin. I'll start at yesterday. I went to see the Lisa's daugther (Kirk's cousin) do a book signing at a book store. I watched this young intelligent woman talked about how she was able to come up with such beautiful poems about life. I was so amazed at how intune she was to herself and her thoughts but more improtantly to the plot of African American people in our society. At some point I couldn't really keep up with her because she was so advance in her thougths and langauage. Of course you know that I thought about the past. I looked at her and saw her mother and grandmother and growing up with them. Her mom Lisa was such a smart kid too. We had such great promise for her Lisa especially after she was given a scholarship to U of Michigan. Something happen and she quit. Then she had this beautiful little girl. Very sweet just like her mother. She was every mother's dream pretty, smart and kind. I thought more about her grandmother.
We weren't really encouraged as young people to excel on the level that young people are encouraged today. I know I grew up so bitter and so angry at the world that I was living in. I wanted to be a good students but found myself quitting and not really putting much into learning. I didn't see any hope for myself or for my future. I didn't see the future young woman like Chanel and my granddaughter, Kaylan. So smart and intelligent and gifted. I just thought of the song To Be Young Gifted and Black. I didn't see kids growing in the hood having grandchildren that would would one day work on getting a Ph.d, I just never saw that coming when I was a young teen ager. I looked at her and I wondered what would the world look like in twenty years it just has bo be so much better because these young people are just awesome.
What else is going on?
I'm on vacation now for three weeks. I haven't had a vacation like this in a long time. I found myself so lost and lonely. Isn't that awful all the time at work I would cry "I need a day off" I finally get that day and even extra and I'm crying about being lonely. I don't know how to take advantage of each day. How to take what I have and make the best of it. I think about my sister, Rhodia I look at the pictures she drew and I'm amazed at how she would just create I'm sure every hour of her life wasn't filled with something she had to do. She took those down times and she created her art. People use the word Passion a lot these days. I way to encourage people to devote time and energy into something they love that way time won't be so long and boring. I just can't seem to find my passion and this is probably why I spend so much time doing nothing. This is why it's so improtant to have chldren develop their interest so that they will know what brings them joy when they're older. I thought crocheting was going to be my passion because I loved making things but after several years of making things I got tired of croctheting and stopped. I did get angry with myself for giving it up because there is so much more I could have done using different stitches. I think this is why I struggle so much because I don't have a passion for anything. My mind wanders so much and I often find myself lost with nothing to do. I have friends that are so creative and work at their art all the time.
This is way I spend too much time doing nothing.
On Sunday we had a woman speaker. She made a comment that really stuck with me. She used the term "learned helplessness." I'd heard that term before when I was in school. I'm not sure if I made a connection with it back them but when she said it on Sunday it radiated with me very deeply. I realized then that's how I lived my life, being helpless. I learned it so early in life that i just held on to it for all my life. I've noticed that I do give up on things very quickly, I've noticed that if I don't get it right away I'm ready to just let it go. This is something that have held me back for years, not good.
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