Sunday, December 3, 2017

One More Month

Birthday Messages for 60 Year Olds

I'll be sixty in one more month. I wanted to write on this blog space every month until I turned sixty. That didn't happen. Just like so many things in this life for me it didn't happen. You know I can feel my tears right now as I write this so diapponited that I didn't make this life I was given a joyous one. My intentions are to write on this blog until I turn sixty. I wanted meaning in this life. I wanted excitement and I wanted love.
I'm back in the classroom again. Of course, I've been thinking about those days as a preschool teacher it was so much fun. The little people were so fun and loving. The world was so new to them and they just ate up everything I would tell them. They loved me and I loved them.
When I taught elementary school children it was such a very hard job. I forgot how mean children could be to each other. Their attitudes were so bad too. They looked like little teenagers and acted like them too. I was amazed how they would sit and find ways to hurt each others feelings. There would be few that would work at trying to get my attention but many didn't care if I was there or not.
Now I'm in the classroom again with high schoolers. This group of young people are so hard to reach and being locked up doesn't help the matter either. I know I'm not really reaching anyone and I'm always begging them to listen to me. I could feel myself getting so angry that they find themselves in a place where they're resticted and locked in and they only think of what can they do to get back to the hetic and crazy life they were living. (more later)

Friday, August 11, 2017

Year of 59 (15)

I know I've written about friendship before but as I grow older and I realize how much I need and love my friends. I was feeling down today after getting off work. I don't think I feel comfortable working in that detention center. The kids are so depressing listening to them say such awful things to each other and me. My heart is broken seeing our black children so caught up in negativity. Everything is so harsh and evil. The way they throw off killing people as if its a joke. How to we allow for things to get like this. There's songs about smoking weed as if it's alright to do. My heart just sink every time I hear them sing that song. I don't like what I see and hear from our young people these days.
Listening to this has taken me down a little road of sadness. I wondered what is this all about? I began to question everything about the world and life. I find myself unsure of what to do and say to them to help encourage them to take this time and learn something. School is so improtant and I know they don't know how improtant it is and they fight agaisnt it. Trying to encourage them in a setting like that is so hard. I find myself taking it personelly. Why are they so mean to me? I'll think when its not about me at all it really all about how they're feeling at the time. I feel so old next to them I feel so out of touch with how the world is.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The Year of 59 (14)

I'm finally writing agian. Life is rally just a twinke. I tell you I feel that twinkle the other day  I fell down the stairs the other day. I couldn't believe it. I totally lost control as I was trubbling down the stairs I didn't know what to do I was scared. I remember yelling praying that I would be alright once I landed. I was fine busied and scared but alright.
From that incident i really see how everything can changed in the twinkling of an eye. Everything can be over just that quick. I could have hurt myself seriously just from that fall. I realized that my whole life could be different and I have so much to be grateful for my body is sore but I'm able to work and talk and live.I have done all of these...

Friday, July 7, 2017

The Year of 59(13)

Going to the chapel and they're going to get married!

I'm not sure if I've blogged that my only child is planning on getting married next year! I thought he would be a single man all his adult life. He came to me on several times telling me that he was going to marry someone and it didn't panout for them. This time it looks as if he's going to make it happen. I'm excited for him and Tiffany because they both seem so happy. He proposal to her while on a criuse in May. Tiffany said that she was pretty surprised didn't see it coming. She thought he was falling because of his hip so when he got down and asked her she was stunned. Have to be happy for them both they've been though a lot over the years. I didn't realize it was ten years that they've know each other. I'm so happy that they want to spend their lives together.

Everyone asked me if I like her and the answer is so YES. She's such a kind and intelligent young lady. I just find myself in awe of her intelligence. She's very kind I was so grateful for her when Rhodia passed away she was right there for me helping me. She's a great cook too. She always invite me over to grab something to eat because she knows I'm not a good cook. I'm just happy that he has found someone to love. Life is very lonely when you don't have someone that loves you. Look at me 59 and I don't have that experience under my belt. I'm also excited because they're planning a destation wedding in Jamacia. I've never been there before so it's going to be nice to witness a marriage in what I've heard a beautiful place. My hope is that they have some friends come along and wittness their marriage as well.

Of course my prayer for them is to live a life together working together. I pray that they support and encourage each other. That they look to each other for comfort and times of need and love and laughter through out their lives. I pray that they use their mony wisely and that they find an organization that they can give to. I pray that they work to leave a finical legacy for their grandchildren. I pray that they both spend time learning more about the love of Christ and they would want to live a life for Him. I pray that they live a healthy life taking care of their bodies eating the rights foods and getting rest and working out. My prayer is that their love for each other will continue to hold them together no matter what comes their way.

Everyone asked me if I like her and the answer is so YES. She's such a kind and intelligent young lady. I just find myself in awe of her intelligence. She's very kind I was so grateful for her when Rhodia passed away she was right there for me helping me. She's a great cook too. She always invite me over to grab something to eat because she knows I'm not a good cook. I'm just happy that he has found someone to love. Life is very lonely when you don't have someone that loves you. Look at me 59 and I don't have that experience under my belt. I'm also excited because they're planning a destation wedding in Jamacia. I've never been there before so it's going to be nice to witness a marriage in what I've heard a beautiful place. My hope is that they have some friends come along and wittness their marriage as well.
jumping the broom Shanequa Gay Art weddings:

Sunday, July 2, 2017

The Year of 59 (11)

There's so much to write about since I haven't written in a while I just don't know where to begin. I'll start at yesterday. I went to see the Lisa's daugther (Kirk's cousin) do a book signing at a book store. I watched this young intelligent woman talked about how she was able to come up with such beautiful poems about life. I was so amazed at how intune she was to herself and her thoughts but more improtantly to the plot of African American people in our society. At some point I couldn't really keep up with her because she was so advance in her thougths and langauage. Of course you know that I thought about the past. I looked at her and saw her mother and grandmother and growing up with them. Her mom Lisa was such a smart kid too. We had such great promise for her Lisa especially after she was given a scholarship to U of Michigan. Something happen and she quit. Then she had this beautiful little girl. Very sweet just like her mother. She was every mother's dream pretty, smart and kind. I thought more about her grandmother.

We weren't really encouraged as young people to excel on the level that young people are encouraged today. I know I grew up so bitter and so angry at the world that I was living in. I wanted to be a good students but found myself quitting and not really putting much into learning. I didn't see any hope for myself or for my future. I didn't see the future young woman like Chanel and my granddaughter, Kaylan. So smart and intelligent and gifted. I just thought of the song To Be Young Gifted and Black. I didn't see kids growing in the hood having grandchildren that would would one day work on getting a Ph.d, I just never saw that coming when I was a young teen ager. I looked at her and I wondered what would the world look like in twenty years it just has bo be so much better because these young people are just awesome.

What else is going on?

I'm on vacation now for three weeks. I haven't had a vacation like this in a long time. I found myself so lost and lonely. Isn't that awful all the time at work I would cry "I need a day off" I finally get that day and even extra and I'm crying about being lonely. I don't know how to take advantage of each day. How to take what I have and make the best of it. I think about my sister, Rhodia I look at the pictures she drew and I'm amazed at how she would just create I'm sure every hour of her life wasn't filled with something she had to do. She took those down times and she created her art. People use the word Passion a lot these days. I way to encourage people to devote time and energy into something they love that way time won't be so long and boring. I just can't seem to find my passion and this is probably why I spend so much time doing nothing. This is why it's so improtant to have chldren develop their interest so that they will know what brings them joy when they're older. I thought crocheting was going to be my passion because I loved making things but after several years of making things I got tired of croctheting and stopped. I did get angry with myself for giving it up because there is so much more I could have done using different stitches. I think this is why I struggle so much because I don't have a passion for anything. My mind wanders so much and I often find myself lost with nothing to do. I have friends that are so creative and work at their art all the time.
This is way I spend too much time doing nothing.

On Sunday we had a woman speaker. She made a comment that really stuck with me. She used the term "learned helplessness." I'd heard that term before when I was in school. I'm not sure if I made a connection with it back them but when she said it on Sunday it radiated with me very deeply. I realized then that's how I lived my life, being helpless. I learned it so early in life that i just held on to it for all my life. I've noticed that I do give up on things very quickly, I've noticed that if I don't get it right away I'm ready to just let it go. This is something that have held me back for years, not good.

Friday, June 9, 2017

The Year of 59(10)

When I was a very little girl I would often baby sit for people my family knew. In my mind that was a job. I'd  baby sat for couples at the church we attended a lot. One couple had four children and they would have me come early in the morning and I would be with the children until late at night. I hated it at times but loved being with the children. Although this wasn't a full time job I did it enough to feel as if it was. If it wasn't someone from church it was family friends children. Now that I look back at my life I have be blessed with a job.

At a place in my life right now that I'm sort of tired of working. This isn't good because I'm not rich so that means I have to work.  I'm at a place now in my life where I want to do something different in my life I just can't find what that different would be. I've been blessed to have this positon working in a school as a Site-Coordinator for an after school program. I loved what I was able to do as a Site-Coordinator at ACE Academy when I really think about it Ihaving this job was like the dream job for me. I know I'd dreamed of working in a school running a program and having people come in and work with the students with fun and interactive learning. Even as a young girl I've always thought that I probably could learn more if I was more involved with the learning instead of just reading things all the time and just writing the answers on a sheet of paper. 

I got that opportunity to bring people in with skills and knowledge on subjects that the students would have the opportunity to have in a fun and interactive way. We had music, this class was more making cd's and rapping. I'm wasn't crazy about that because our students use lots of  profanity and inapprioate lyrics and we're constanly having them change the lyrics and they were never happy with that. The teacher would often try having a theme but the students only wanted to rap about money, girls or guns. I had to realized that this is what they were used to and we just had to stay on top of them.

The class that I had was so happy to bring to the school through the YMCA was keyboarding. Why Keyboarding? I've always wanted to play the keyboard and although I eventually took lesson as an adult maybe if I would have the opportunity to learn the keyboard earlier in life then I would be playing the piano now. I wanted the students to have some knowledge of the keyboard. The class started off as a drum class but because the room was sound proof the students would have headaches after the class. We were so fortuanate that the teacher that teaching drumming could also play the keyboard. When we had our Black History program one of the students played the Black National Anthem for us. If you could see my heart it was beaming with joy.

Two of the biggest joys came with me being able to write. I don't consider myself a writer because of my grammer. I'm sure you're finding lots of mistakes as you read my blogs. I know that there are young people that like to write and wanted to give them the opportunity to write. I got blessed with a young man that came and he was able to work with the students to make our first newsletter. It looked just like a newspaper. The students were very happy and I was over joyed. The young man that had the program for the newletter quit and I didn't have anyone to take his place. That meant that I had to try it myself. I found a newsletter format on the microsoft and made our first newsletter. Not all the boys jumped in on it but those that submitted articles had some very good stories, interveiws and poems to add to the newsletter. Doing the newsletter gave me the opportunity to develop my skills to write more. I was loving every minute I was putting time into writing the newsletter.

I also had the opportunity to work witht the students putting together the Black History program. It was so much fun coming up with skits with the students. I was pretty surprised with my writing coming up with skits. Putting it together was so much fun. I was surprised at how much fun I was having working with the students with lines, directing and writing. I saw myself as the woman I think I had dreamed of but I wasn't really sure but it was just amazing how my heart would beat faster everytime I would write or when I was working with the students on the parts in the show. I was loving putting the show together all my enegries were moving so fast and I was so high. Maybe I missed my calling I thought several times while working on the paper and the show. I would think I really should be a writer or an actress. I was so appreciative of the 21st Century Afterschool program that really gave me the opportunity to do such wonderful and fun things with the students.

We've learned that the grant for the afterschool program wasn't granted to our school this year. Heartbroken for sure yet I think I'm ready to move on. The thoughts of ending just keep moving through my mind. I'm beginning to think about all the jobs I've had over the years. Some I was so heart broken about that the tears would just over take me. This time I have no tears because I'll still be with the company but I will move on to another facility. I don't want to work in a youth detention center any more because I don't want to work with students with such bad attitudes. Yet, I don't see myself doing anything else. I'm sure many of midage people like myself find themselves in the same dilemma in their lives trying to picture themselves doing something else wotth while in their lives. I this point I feel like screaming but that won't make things better at all. Back to this job. I was blessed it was a good experience. I have Cathy to thank for that she and DeBorah recommeneded that I take the position nine years ago when they were planning on letting the other young lady go. I felt so bad about that I meet the young lady once and she was so nice, I didn't want to take the position because I had supervised people before and I really didn't like doing that. I really didn't feel I was the right person for the job. They convinced me and here I am today getting ready to move on.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Year of 59(9)

I dream of Africa.
That dream is coming more and more real to me after having such a wonderful experience with Vanessa and her friend, Denise. This woman is awesome and I mean awesome. She has had such a rich and fulfilling life. I couldn't believe I was sitting across from an African American woman that started a school for girls in South Africa. I heard this and cried right in front of her. I couldn't believe that the tears just came so quickly so unexpectedly. Why was I crying? She was helping my family that was left behind hundreds years ago. My blood line was there in Ghana Africa where my family roots begun on this planet earth. I quickly saw people being grabbed and taken away. I could hear women crying and I could feel their fears. Just as we were sitting there and she was sharing her story of how she and others came together to start a school for girls. One of those girls maybe related to me I thought and that's why the tears fell. Just knowing that she was apart of rebuilding a country that lost so much.

She shared with us the beauty of the country and how kind and helpful people were there. She gave us suggestion on places to visit while we were there and most improtantly she gave us an idea of how much it would cost. What a relief. I was imaginig at least two to three thousand dollars depending on where we will stay. My heart began to jump up and down because I was thinking over six thousand dollars now I can really plan. I began to sing "I'm going to Africa." Why does this mean so much too me? That's a very long story which sense I'm the only one reading this I can share.

When I was a very young girl maybe around 9 or ten I meet a missionary that had been to Africa. He lived over our church and only had one leg. That frigten me as a little girl seeing a man with one leg. I was told to go and help him out around the house a couple of times. He was a very small stucture man but very talkative. I was so what afraid of the different artifats he had in his small place. I didn't like looking at heads of people that were so black. They would always have ear rings in the heads or eyes were like diamonds. I would walk pass these artifats very slowly afraid that were evil and were used for voodoo. I had seen many of Tarzan movies and would see Africans holding these in their hands always dancing around and saying words I didn't understand.

He talked constantly about being in Africa and the people there being so kind and loving. That not what I was seeing on televison. He would that Africa was beautiful with water surrounding the land and everything was so much better there than in our country. He gave me a artificate of a zebra it too was all black. I loved that zebra it was so smooth to the touch. I took it home and held it and looked at it and then began to dream. I was dreaming of Africa. He would tell me all the time its such a beautiful place to see when you grow up he told me "visit Africa".

I grew up and I really forgot about the little man with the one leg. I don't really think I thought about him after he died. I did think of him once when I was a young adult around twenty when I met some really together African Americans that stressed the improtance of African American excepting our hertage being proud we were from Africa. I thought of him and his storeis of Africa. How much he loved being there. It helped me to ease into being proud of myself being black.

I didn't start really dreaming of Africa until I was in my forties. I had a friend that moved to Nigeria and became a missionary. Her mother and I were good friends and her mother had gone to visit her twice and she would tell me about how beautiful it was there. That brought my dream back again and wanted to go and see it for myself. I began to dream of Africa. What deepen that dream was learning about four years ago that our family roots are from Ghana Africa. I then long to see the "Mother Land." The more I learned about my hertage the more I wanted to see the place in which my blood line began. I have friends that are Italian, Greek, Finnish and they talked so highly of the country in which their bloodline began and several have visited those places. I wanted to have the same emotional feelings towards the land my people come from.

Now I'm working towards my dreaming coming true. I'm going to see Africa. I'm going next year my dream is going to come true. I will visit Africa. After talking to Denise I know now that it will come true. The work will have to begin selling books and doing Bag Lady again so that I can raise the money for my trip to Africa.

Waterfalls in Ghana Portrait//I would love to visit  this place just to hear the soothing sounds