Children

It takes having children to make the world go round. I was blessed with just one and he was blessed with one and now she's having a baby! That's so exciting God is knitting the little man together in her womb. This is a special gift bringing another human being into the world. This allows for the next generation. 

I'm feeling down about it as I'm not there to be with her and see how her baby grow inside of her. I get to miss out again. Being a mom to a male isn't easy especially for me. What I'm experiencing isn't new to the world. So many women have experienced this. I'm sad that I wasn't able to have that close and loving relationship with my granddaughter. I tried but it didn't work in my favor. I've heard women over the year say that as a mother to a son it may not happen that you'll have a good relationship with the grands. I was hoping that this would not be the case for me. I know a lot of it is because she doesn't live here in the same state. In my mind I thought if I stay in contact with her and remember her on special occasions that she would know how much I love her and would help us. 

It didn't work out that way for me. I feel my tears piling up inside of me. I feel like just lying in the bed and crying. I wanted to share special times with her over the phone she shares moments with me and I sharing time with her. That didn't happen. I was hoping that I would wear her college sweatshirts and tell everybody about her. That didn't happen. Man, that hurts! 

This all hurts! There's no other way to express this. It hurts! I thought having more children that this will build my heart with more love and yet I only feel disappointment and hurt.  I should feel very excited about the baby coming but I don't because I know the baby will grow up not caring much for me. I know the baby won't love me the way I would love him. I love children and I never dreamed that this would be the world I would live. Welcome to reality!!

I'm not going to dream any more because I know that what I would dream won't come true. I totally understand now that children are not going to meet my expectations of what I've imagined it would be. I so wanted to have this good relationship with my grandchild and she calls me and tells me all about the good things in her life or even the challenging things she maybe facing. I wanted to pray with her and talk about being a Christian with her. That was so dumb of to want that. 

One day I wrote a poem about grandmother.

I apologize for choosing Kirk's father to his father. Not being able to love him and show him how to be a father. 

I apologize I apologize for not explaining to him more about sexual relationships before he get married.

I apologize

I apologize for having your father be late to get to yourself when you were born becasue I working at my second job. Which kept him from seeing and being with you right away when you entered the world.

I apologize 

I apologize for not living in the same state as you and your family which enable us from bing there to see you grow up.

I apologize 

I apologize for all the long dreives we took to travel to visit you over the years.

I apologize

I apologize for all the gifts I got you for birthdays and holidays because I wanted you to have a smile on your face.

I apologize 

I apologize for not seeing you graduate from preschool, elementary and middle school because we didn't know when they would be so that me or dad could be there to see you.

I apologize for

I apologize for not being as smart as you and your other family.

I apologize f

I apologize for having God place you in your mother's womb using my son's sperm to be the father.

I apologize.

I apologize for being your grandmother I so apologize.