These old Knees

 It’s been a month now since I had knee surgery on my right knee.  This has been a odd experience for me. I was very worried about the surgery as I haven’t had any surgeries in years. I did pray about thanking God for the opportunity to have the surgery knowing that in some countries people don’t have the opportunity like we have in this country. I prayed that I would have little or nor no pain. The doctor was recommended to me by a friend who’s friend had used his services and she had little pain. I didn’t want to have the surgery but my knees were giving me too much problem. I opt to do the left leg first since from seeing X-rays it was the worst. Then I changed and called to change to my right. I’m not sure why I changed it oh I remember it was giving out on me more and irritated me more than the left leg. 

I tried putting things together ahead of time. Kirk would take me and I would have my great Neice, Makia stay with me the first night. Then who ever could after that would be fine. Kirk had to go on a training for his job that first week. I went shopping and bought things I could just throw in the microwave and lots of fruit. I even got goli to take to not grain weight during that two months off and restricted to the house. Tiffany had made some meals for me to warmup because they had to go to KAYLAN’s baby shower too. I believe I had everything under control. In my mind it was going to be a stay in the house vacation. 

Kirk was able to go with me for the surgery. I was glad that he was there with me. On the way there he shares that his dad was having some issues and was on his way to the hospital too. I’m sure that wasn’t easy for him. The one thing I forgot to do was pray with him before I went in. That’s probably why I was so hesitant about doing the surgery the nurse had to talk me though it again before I agreed to go foreword. I didn’t pray with Kirk. I did say a silent prayer and before I knew it I was under and the surgery went on.

I don’t quite remember how long the surgery went. I believe I was out 12:00 and went under around 8:30. I felt like they rushed me out of there so quickly. I got dress went to the bathroom walked up and down some steps and was escorted out the door. Then off to recovery! My arrangements I had went up in smoke very quickly as my brother and his wife ended up staying with me because the house they were planning to move into wasn’t ready. This turned out to be a blessings as they were with me all day. They along with Kirk took so very good care of me making sure I was taking medication on time and applying ice to the knee to keep the swelling down. My prayers were answered as I had very little pain. Everyone was so surprised to hear me talking in good spirits and being able to walk around easily. I have to admit that I’m surprised as well. 

The down side of recovery is being alone. I did get blessed with my brother and his wife coming and being with me for a couple days . My nephew came after they left here for a funeral. He was such a blessings cooking meals and good conversation . After he left meant me being alone. A very nice friend, former coworker have been very supportive calling and coming by at every other day. That have been so good. I did have friends that visited bringing dinner too cool. Yet, those days of being alone are the hardest. I spend time thinking too much. I also, try crocheting. Tried making a card just couldn’t wrap my head around doing it. I think about everything under the sun which doesn’t really help anything. Heavy thoughts about my granddaughter wanting badly for her to reach out to me. Pretty much a big waste of my energy . It’s the hardest part of recovering. 

Just as I was typing this I received a text message from my granddaughter as she was replying to a text I had sent earlier. I’m glad she did. Listening to the story of the young lady that was kidnapped yesterday made me think more about her. I’m glad she texted me back.one of my deepest hurts is that I don’t have a very loving and supportive relationship with her. My prayer is that some how we become closer as the years passes.  I’ve also been watching lots of clips on Facebook of people blessings other people with money especially homeless people. So good to see people reaching out in such dramatic ways and changing peoples lives.  

I bend my knee the other day and working hard to do more of it. The stitches are fading away which is so awesome. I was truly getting tired of them. Funny thing happened the other day a tooth’s came out. Something I was hoping to take care of before the surgery. Thank God I have some pain medication left. So far no pain. 

I don’t want to go though this again next year but my left knee is cracking up in every sense of the word. 

                                                                          Children

It takes having children to make the world go round. I was blessed with just one and he was blessed with one and now she's having a baby! That's so exciting God is knitting the little man together in her womb. This is a special gift bringing another human being into the world. This allows for the next generation. 

I'm feeling down about it as I'm not there to be with her and see how her baby grow inside of her. I get to miss out again. Being a mom to a male isn't easy especially for me. What I'm experiencing isn't new to the world. So many women have experienced this. I'm sad that I wasn't able to have that close and loving relationship with my granddaughter. I tried but it didn't work in my favor. I've heard women over the year say that as a mother to a son it may not happen that you'll have a good relationship with the grands. I was hoping that this would not be the case for me. I know a lot of it is because she doesn't live here in the same state. In my mind I thought if I stay in contact with her and remember her on special occasions that she would know how much I love her and would help us. 

It didn't work out that way for me. I feel my tears piling up inside of me. I feel like just lying in the bed and crying. I wanted to share special times with her over the phone she shares moments with me and I sharing time with her. That didn't happen. I was hoping that I would wear her college sweatshirts and tell everybody about her. That didn't happen. Man, that hurts! 

This all hurts! There's no other way to express this. It hurts! I thought having more children that this will build my heart with more love and yet I only feel disappointment and hurt.  I should feel very excited about the baby coming but I don't because I know the baby will grow up not caring much for me. I know the baby won't love me the way I would love him. I love children and I never dreamed that this would be the world I would live. Welcome to reality!!

I'm not going to dream any more because I know that what I would dream won't come true. I totally understand now that children are not going to meet my expectations of what I've imagined it would be. I so wanted to have this good relationship with my grandchild and she calls me and tells me all about the good things in her life or even the challenging things she maybe facing. I wanted to pray with her and talk about being a Christian with her. That was so dumb of to want that. 

One day I wrote a poem about grandmother.

I apologize for choosing Kirk's father to his father. Not being able to love him and show him how to be a father. 

I apologize I apologize for not explaining to him more about sexual relationships before he get married.

I apologize

I apologize for having your father be late to get to yourself when you were born becasue I working at my second job. Which kept him from seeing and being with you right away when you entered the world.

I apologize 

I apologize for not living in the same state as you and your family which enable us from bing there to see you grow up.

I apologize 

I apologize for all the long dreives we took to travel to visit you over the years.

I apologize

I apologize for all the gifts I got you for birthdays and holidays because I wanted you to have a smile on your face.

I apologize 

I apologize for not seeing you graduate from preschool, elementary and middle school because we didn't know when they would be so that me or dad could be there to see you.

I apologize for

I apologize for not being as smart as you and your other family.

I apologize f

I apologize for having God place you in your mother's womb using my son's sperm to be the father.

I apologize.

I apologize for being your grandmother I so apologize.

What Will Be Will Be

I remember hearing this song when I was a little girl. I didn't really understand it as a child by now at 65 I totally get. I didn't ask my mother what I will be. I just knew I was going to grow up and be this super cool and fun teacher. I was going to do that until I retired. Then I dreamed about being other things too, an actress, a writer. My mind would go on and on about what I thought I wanted to be. 

ere's what she said to me

"Que será, será

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que será, será

What will be, will be"

I did teach for a while. That was super cool, fun and frustrating. I didn't have a degree in education but lots of experience working with children. I think I wasn't confident in my abilities as a teacher, and I let it go. That's what it was

I did do my own one woman show. Now that was super, super cool. Being on that stage and performing as myself was surreal. I couldn't believe I was actually on that stage. I remember doing a play when I was younger with the church that was pretty awesome too. I don't know why I didn't pursue that. Probably allowing fear to be my guide instead of. walking in faith. That's what it was.

I do now have brought me so much joy. I do enjoy seeing the boys trying to maintain and learn in school although they're going through some very difficult times in their lives. I can relate to their experiences because of my own but it still hurts seeing them having to experience not being with their families. It tickles me when they call me "grandma" or say that they're glad I'm there for them. It's a blessing and a joy to just encourage them and try my best to help them succeed. School is so important, and I know they don't understand it right now. I just don't want them to look back and say no one was there for them to encourage them. I want them to look back and say "Miss Kim" was so helpful. They're important to the world and I want them to know that they really matter. I want them to be left behind. This is what it is. I'm doing what I meant to be. I believe that I will (hope) do this working with the boys, helping them with education until I retire.