The Year of 59 (11)

There's so much to write about since I haven't written in a while I just don't know where to begin. I'll start at yesterday. I went to see the Lisa's daugther (Kirk's cousin) do a book signing at a book store. I watched this young intelligent woman talked about how she was able to come up with such beautiful poems about life. I was so amazed at how intune she was to herself and her thoughts but more improtantly to the plot of African American people in our society. At some point I couldn't really keep up with her because she was so advance in her thougths and langauage. Of course you know that I thought about the past. I looked at her and saw her mother and grandmother and growing up with them. Her mom Lisa was such a smart kid too. We had such great promise for her Lisa especially after she was given a scholarship to U of Michigan. Something happen and she quit. Then she had this beautiful little girl. Very sweet just like her mother. She was every mother's dream pretty, smart and kind. I thought more about her grandmother.

We weren't really encouraged as young people to excel on the level that young people are encouraged today. I know I grew up so bitter and so angry at the world that I was living in. I wanted to be a good students but found myself quitting and not really putting much into learning. I didn't see any hope for myself or for my future. I didn't see the future young woman like Chanel and my granddaughter, Kaylan. So smart and intelligent and gifted. I just thought of the song To Be Young Gifted and Black. I didn't see kids growing in the hood having grandchildren that would would one day work on getting a Ph.d, I just never saw that coming when I was a young teen ager. I looked at her and I wondered what would the world look like in twenty years it just has bo be so much better because these young people are just awesome.

What else is going on?

I'm on vacation now for three weeks. I haven't had a vacation like this in a long time. I found myself so lost and lonely. Isn't that awful all the time at work I would cry "I need a day off" I finally get that day and even extra and I'm crying about being lonely. I don't know how to take advantage of each day. How to take what I have and make the best of it. I think about my sister, Rhodia I look at the pictures she drew and I'm amazed at how she would just create I'm sure every hour of her life wasn't filled with something she had to do. She took those down times and she created her art. People use the word Passion a lot these days. I way to encourage people to devote time and energy into something they love that way time won't be so long and boring. I just can't seem to find my passion and this is probably why I spend so much time doing nothing. This is why it's so improtant to have chldren develop their interest so that they will know what brings them joy when they're older. I thought crocheting was going to be my passion because I loved making things but after several years of making things I got tired of croctheting and stopped. I did get angry with myself for giving it up because there is so much more I could have done using different stitches. I think this is why I struggle so much because I don't have a passion for anything. My mind wanders so much and I often find myself lost with nothing to do. I have friends that are so creative and work at their art all the time.
This is way I spend too much time doing nothing.

On Sunday we had a woman speaker. She made a comment that really stuck with me. She used the term "learned helplessness." I'd heard that term before when I was in school. I'm not sure if I made a connection with it back them but when she said it on Sunday it radiated with me very deeply. I realized then that's how I lived my life, being helpless. I learned it so early in life that i just held on to it for all my life. I've noticed that I do give up on things very quickly, I've noticed that if I don't get it right away I'm ready to just let it go. This is something that have held me back for years, not good.

The Year of 59(10)

When I was a very little girl I would often baby sit for people my family knew. In my mind that was a job. I'd  baby sat for couples at the church we attended a lot. One couple had four children and they would have me come early in the morning and I would be with the children until late at night. I hated it at times but loved being with the children. Although this wasn't a full time job I did it enough to feel as if it was. If it wasn't someone from church it was family friends children. Now that I look back at my life I have be blessed with a job.

At a place in my life right now that I'm sort of tired of working. This isn't good because I'm not rich so that means I have to work.  I'm at a place now in my life where I want to do something different in my life I just can't find what that different would be. I've been blessed to have this positon working in a school as a Site-Coordinator for an after school program. I loved what I was able to do as a Site-Coordinator at ACE Academy when I really think about it Ihaving this job was like the dream job for me. I know I'd dreamed of working in a school running a program and having people come in and work with the students with fun and interactive learning. Even as a young girl I've always thought that I probably could learn more if I was more involved with the learning instead of just reading things all the time and just writing the answers on a sheet of paper. 

I got that opportunity to bring people in with skills and knowledge on subjects that the students would have the opportunity to have in a fun and interactive way. We had music, this class was more making cd's and rapping. I'm wasn't crazy about that because our students use lots of  profanity and inapprioate lyrics and we're constanly having them change the lyrics and they were never happy with that. The teacher would often try having a theme but the students only wanted to rap about money, girls or guns. I had to realized that this is what they were used to and we just had to stay on top of them.

The class that I had was so happy to bring to the school through the YMCA was keyboarding. Why Keyboarding? I've always wanted to play the keyboard and although I eventually took lesson as an adult maybe if I would have the opportunity to learn the keyboard earlier in life then I would be playing the piano now. I wanted the students to have some knowledge of the keyboard. The class started off as a drum class but because the room was sound proof the students would have headaches after the class. We were so fortuanate that the teacher that teaching drumming could also play the keyboard. When we had our Black History program one of the students played the Black National Anthem for us. If you could see my heart it was beaming with joy.

Two of the biggest joys came with me being able to write. I don't consider myself a writer because of my grammer. I'm sure you're finding lots of mistakes as you read my blogs. I know that there are young people that like to write and wanted to give them the opportunity to write. I got blessed with a young man that came and he was able to work with the students to make our first newsletter. It looked just like a newspaper. The students were very happy and I was over joyed. The young man that had the program for the newletter quit and I didn't have anyone to take his place. That meant that I had to try it myself. I found a newsletter format on the microsoft and made our first newsletter. Not all the boys jumped in on it but those that submitted articles had some very good stories, interveiws and poems to add to the newsletter. Doing the newsletter gave me the opportunity to develop my skills to write more. I was loving every minute I was putting time into writing the newsletter.

I also had the opportunity to work witht the students putting together the Black History program. It was so much fun coming up with skits with the students. I was pretty surprised with my writing coming up with skits. Putting it together was so much fun. I was surprised at how much fun I was having working with the students with lines, directing and writing. I saw myself as the woman I think I had dreamed of but I wasn't really sure but it was just amazing how my heart would beat faster everytime I would write or when I was working with the students on the parts in the show. I was loving putting the show together all my enegries were moving so fast and I was so high. Maybe I missed my calling I thought several times while working on the paper and the show. I would think I really should be a writer or an actress. I was so appreciative of the 21st Century Afterschool program that really gave me the opportunity to do such wonderful and fun things with the students.

We've learned that the grant for the afterschool program wasn't granted to our school this year. Heartbroken for sure yet I think I'm ready to move on. The thoughts of ending just keep moving through my mind. I'm beginning to think about all the jobs I've had over the years. Some I was so heart broken about that the tears would just over take me. This time I have no tears because I'll still be with the company but I will move on to another facility. I don't want to work in a youth detention center any more because I don't want to work with students with such bad attitudes. Yet, I don't see myself doing anything else. I'm sure many of midage people like myself find themselves in the same dilemma in their lives trying to picture themselves doing something else wotth while in their lives. I this point I feel like screaming but that won't make things better at all. Back to this job. I was blessed it was a good experience. I have Cathy to thank for that she and DeBorah recommeneded that I take the position nine years ago when they were planning on letting the other young lady go. I felt so bad about that I meet the young lady once and she was so nice, I didn't want to take the position because I had supervised people before and I really didn't like doing that. I really didn't feel I was the right person for the job. They convinced me and here I am today getting ready to move on.

The Year of 59(9)

I dream of Africa.
That dream is coming more and more real to me after having such a wonderful experience with Vanessa and her friend, Denise. This woman is awesome and I mean awesome. She has had such a rich and fulfilling life. I couldn't believe I was sitting across from an African American woman that started a school for girls in South Africa. I heard this and cried right in front of her. I couldn't believe that the tears just came so quickly so unexpectedly. Why was I crying? She was helping my family that was left behind hundreds years ago. My blood line was there in Ghana Africa where my family roots begun on this planet earth. I quickly saw people being grabbed and taken away. I could hear women crying and I could feel their fears. Just as we were sitting there and she was sharing her story of how she and others came together to start a school for girls. One of those girls maybe related to me I thought and that's why the tears fell. Just knowing that she was apart of rebuilding a country that lost so much.

She shared with us the beauty of the country and how kind and helpful people were there. She gave us suggestion on places to visit while we were there and most improtantly she gave us an idea of how much it would cost. What a relief. I was imaginig at least two to three thousand dollars depending on where we will stay. My heart began to jump up and down because I was thinking over six thousand dollars now I can really plan. I began to sing "I'm going to Africa." Why does this mean so much too me? That's a very long story which sense I'm the only one reading this I can share.

When I was a very young girl maybe around 9 or ten I meet a missionary that had been to Africa. He lived over our church and only had one leg. That frigten me as a little girl seeing a man with one leg. I was told to go and help him out around the house a couple of times. He was a very small stucture man but very talkative. I was so what afraid of the different artifats he had in his small place. I didn't like looking at heads of people that were so black. They would always have ear rings in the heads or eyes were like diamonds. I would walk pass these artifats very slowly afraid that were evil and were used for voodoo. I had seen many of Tarzan movies and would see Africans holding these in their hands always dancing around and saying words I didn't understand.

He talked constantly about being in Africa and the people there being so kind and loving. That not what I was seeing on televison. He would that Africa was beautiful with water surrounding the land and everything was so much better there than in our country. He gave me a artificate of a zebra it too was all black. I loved that zebra it was so smooth to the touch. I took it home and held it and looked at it and then began to dream. I was dreaming of Africa. He would tell me all the time its such a beautiful place to see when you grow up he told me "visit Africa".

I grew up and I really forgot about the little man with the one leg. I don't really think I thought about him after he died. I did think of him once when I was a young adult around twenty when I met some really together African Americans that stressed the improtance of African American excepting our hertage being proud we were from Africa. I thought of him and his storeis of Africa. How much he loved being there. It helped me to ease into being proud of myself being black.

I didn't start really dreaming of Africa until I was in my forties. I had a friend that moved to Nigeria and became a missionary. Her mother and I were good friends and her mother had gone to visit her twice and she would tell me about how beautiful it was there. That brought my dream back again and wanted to go and see it for myself. I began to dream of Africa. What deepen that dream was learning about four years ago that our family roots are from Ghana Africa. I then long to see the "Mother Land." The more I learned about my hertage the more I wanted to see the place in which my blood line began. I have friends that are Italian, Greek, Finnish and they talked so highly of the country in which their bloodline began and several have visited those places. I wanted to have the same emotional feelings towards the land my people come from.

Now I'm working towards my dreaming coming true. I'm going to see Africa. I'm going next year my dream is going to come true. I will visit Africa. After talking to Denise I know now that it will come true. The work will have to begin selling books and doing Bag Lady again so that I can raise the money for my trip to Africa.

The Year of 59(8)

Wonder Woman! She was the best! When I was a little girl I watched that show and loved it. Having a woman that was smart, beautiful and strong was just what I needed to have in my life at that time. Growing up in my house constantly being told that all I was good for was cooking, cleaning, and having babies. I heard that all the time. I hated being a girl.
There were so many things that meant so much to me. I know now that I played the victim all my life, man big mistake, right. Everything I wanted to do I was told that girls don't do that. I wanted to be a baseball player and learned that there wasn't a professional baseball team for women. Everything that I dreamed of doing I was told that women didn't do. I really should take that back. I wanted to be a teacher and women could do that. That's what the world seemed like than women teaching and nothing else. Of course there were other things women could do but they were all in a box. Nothing that would push women to be more.

I watched lots and lots of television as a child like most kids. It was hard breaking to see that the super heroes were all men. You know Batman and Robin, Superman, Spiderman they were all men. I could keep up pretty much with my younger brother pretending that I too was a super-hero. When Cat Woman showed up on television I was delighted but was teased to no end because she was considered a bad villain in the show not a super hero. I just didn't see women as being a value human in the world.

Then came Wonder Woman. She was everything I had hoped and dreamed of. She fought and gave up a punch that would have the bad guy flying. She was smart too finding way to solve the complicated problem that the world was facing at that time on the show. She was strong lifting up cars and other objects that would stop the bad guy from destroying the world. She was pretty a looker to the guys. She was well built and fashionable too. She was more than any woman could be and fighting crime.

I wanted to be her she had brought hope to women all over the world. She was opening up eyes for little girls everyone. She had me beginning to think that I could be more than then what everyone had told me I could be. I could be Wonder Woman! I went to see the new movie last night and I was still impressed with her. Although I didn't know how to take the story line seemed more spiritual. It was good to see women preparing for battle, being strong and smart. I am woman!
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The Year of 59(7)

Life has a way of breaking a person down and it's truly doing  a job on me. I'm referring to loving someone that just don't care about me. I hate to admit this but when I was growing up it was so hard to love my mother. I have to admit that I even carried that on into adulthood. I was my mother's second daughter and she loved me dearly she was a very troubled woman carrying all her pains and trails from her life and she took a lot out on her children. I couldn't see that growing up and I didn't know how to return the love to her. As a child I told myself that my children are going to love me and my grandchildren are going to love me too.

I was wrong on one account. I don't think my granddaughter loves me. I think she loves me as the woman that happened to be her father's mother and that's it. That hurts very deeply. I'd dream that my grandchildren would send me birthday cards like I send them and Mother's day cards. They would call me and talk to me to see how's things going with me. They would invite me to their outings and I would see them in school performances. None of that has happened for me. NONE OF THAT. Most of that couldn't happen because of the distance between us. She lives in Georgia and I in Michigan so that couldn't really happen for us My heart hurts because she was such a bright little girl that I would have loved to see her receiving awards for all the good work she did in school. I would have loved to have heard the last night Kelsey being called on stage for doing well in school. That didn't happen to me nor did it happen for my son. 

I thought if I would keep in touch with her over the years remembering her birthday and Christmas and other holidays that she would love me for that. I would send letters and call her anything just to maintain a loving relationship with her. I treasures those days when she was young and would come and visit with us. I held onto every moment of cooking together or reading together everything because I knew I wouldn't see her again until the next year. I couldn't wait to see her when we would drive that long road to see her for the holidays my heart just longing to be with her and talk to her and laugh with her. She was always so happy to share her room with me and show me all her friends and just be together. My tears would run like water falls when we had to go back home.  In my mind we were planting the seed of internal love for each other, grandmother and granddaughter's love. We could hear each others heart beat for each others and never lose the beat no matter how far away we were. I remember her laying on my chest and reading stories together and she saying how she could hear my heart beat. Nothing could take that sound away.

As I write this my heart hurts and the heart beats are drowning. I have to let her go. Birthday, holidays special days I get nothing from her. I've mentioned to her on several occasion on how to respect others by returning the favorite if someone remember you it's respectful to give back to that person especially when it's a family members. As she grew and grew nothing in return. Now don't think she's this heartless young woman because she isn't. She's kind and loving. Very smart and pretty it's just that for some reason I don't know what we don't have that same love for each other. I know why I found it hard to return the love to my mother. I thought she didn't care and love me. She was so hard on me verbally abusive at times and so I would pull back and just found it difficult to extend my love to her. Yet, I would remember her every occasion because she was my mother. 

She's an adult now and I don't feel that from her anymore. I don't feel the excitement she once had for me when she talks to me. I cry when holidays come and I get nothing but a phone call. I can't beg anymore for her affection towards me. I can't make her feel something that isn't there for me. I saw a clip of a show the other day on Facebook and a woman was in the court and her daughter was suing her mother for harassment. Her mother was trying to contact her to let her know that she was dying. I should say that the daughter didn't want to have anything to do with her mother because she was too black and uneducated. My heart just hurt for that mother. I often wonder why my granddaughter don't care for me anymore. Is it the color of my skin? Did I say something or do something? I have a college degree. Is it because I'm not pretty or fashionable? I just don't know. Maybe it's none of those things it's just that we've grown apart.  

What hurts the most is that my son suffers too. He tried to do the best he could as a long distance dad. No, he wasn't the best and he made a whole lot of mistakes but I think he worked hard to do the best he could. There's nothing between the two of them as well. I know he could just kick himself in the butt I know he wanted to be a good father and have a loving relationship with his child because he didn't have one with his dad. NOTHING! 

My prayer for her is that she continue to grow into the loving, intelligent, beautiful and gifted young lady she's growing into. A pray that she loves others with all her heart and that she helps those that do not have. I pray that what ever her dreams are that she reaches them and make new ones as she grows old. I pray that she become strong in body and in The Word of God. I pray that she always have someone that she loves and trust and that she never have the ache of not being loved in return. A pray that she sees the world not only on television but experiences it for herself. A pray that she save money for golden years and that she do what brings her joy. 

I will always remember that her small heart bumping and the laughs we had together and those yesterdays that tucked inside my mind. I want her to know that my heart still beats and that the a couple of those beats, beat for her. 

The Year of 59(6)

I haven't written on this blog in a few weeks because I really didn't have too much to say. Actually, I did I just didn't know how to say it. I just had this awesome experience with my friend, Laura. She's writing a book about her husband's grandfather and so she doing lots of research on his family. She's enjoying ever minute of it. " a puzzle" she says that all the time. I admire how hard she's working on the book. I know its going to be just great when she finishes with it. She's a great artist as well.

She decided to go on Ancestry and do a quick search for me. I know my father's side of our family I actually got a chance to see my grandfather. He was old and fragile when I was a child. My last memory of him is he sitting with this bag on him. That was very puzzling for me at the time and I didn't want to go to hug him. That's all I remember of him. I know his name and my grandmother's name on my father's side but not much about my mother's mother.

My mother's mother died at a very young age. I believe she was in her thirty's. I'm not sure how she died. I thought it was from Ovarian Cancer that's what my sister had told me. My mother always talked about her actually she would cry. "My mother left me when I was 12 years old." she would say when she was very upset about things letting us know that she didn't have a mother to care for her and do Motherly things with. " I had to fend for myself." She would often say. As the year progress I would learn little things about my mom having to go from family to family members because her dad wasn't able to care for her. I could feel her bitterness and angry around being an only child and having to have to live like that. That mean I didn't know her mom's name or anything about her.

My oldest brother was pretty convicted about information regarding our mother as well. When talking to him he'll give me one name of our grandmother then he would change it to another name because our mother would say it was one or the other. In my mind I'm thinking why is this so difficult I wasn't taking into account that my mom came up in a time when things happen and you just move on. She was just a child and as the years passed her mom was probably not even mentioned anymore. What memory she had of her probably just faded away with time. I can understand the confusion around who I mother was and even her name.

Back to Laura and her search. The two of I searched at first. That was so amazing as we looked up my mother's father's name first. I had forgotten that his name was John Henry. That's interesting because my dad's name is Henry. I also noticed that it was listed in the censors at times that he was mulatto and a couple of people that were living in the house whole were too. I always thought that he was too because of his light complexion as well as his sister complexion. When we looked at other censors years they were listed colored. That's interesting how they were called colored what color. Maybe that's were the Irish in our blood comes from which I'd  learned from doing the DNA, 7% actually.  Momma would say that she had a grandfather that was white. Although I've learned from the search that Laura did he wasn't.

She was able to find information regarding my mother's mother and her parents as well. That's so exciting from just a name I wasn't sure of to knowing my great grandparents names as well. Laura was able to find his death certificate which gave some vital information. I'm overjoyed with this new information. The search must continue I have to learn more about her side of the family for sure.

As an African American I've never really thought much about my heritage I didn't really have that sense of pride about my people not even my family. I just looked at myself as just a person on the planet it didn't really matter my family didn't really matter. Ever one matters it doesn't matter our skin color we all matter it's just that I didn't know how to place me in this world. At 59 I"m beginning to realize that how we are to each other in the world is what really matters. I know I'm going off the path here but I think about my great grandparents and their everyday life and how they may have interacted with each other. I know now that my mother did have a family probably a family she didn't know. Her mother's family, Mr. Richard Pearson, grandfather John Herbert and grandmother (I couldn't really get her first name spelling), Wilson.


 The search must continue there's so much more to learn about my family. People that were here on this earth that's part of my genetic makeup. We all matter.

The Year of 59(5)

This is a great big world and I'm here in Detroit. I often get depressed about my life that I'm not doing more with it. My friend showed me a video of her mentor yesterday and my jaws dropped as I watched this woman share her adventures over the years in her life. She got a motor cycle and traveled the country all by herself. That's freaking amazing! Why am I not doing anything with my life?

I don't have a whole lot to say because I'm so angry that I didn't work my life so that I could see the world. My dream is to see Africa and I don't know how I'm going to get the money to go to Ghana. I just want to see the land that my ancestors come from. The book Roots open so many African American realize that we had a land and it wasn't America. I have friends that talk about going to Italy or Greece their roots. The Mother Land people call it. I'm going home!

I would love to travel here in this country as well. There is so much to see here that I haven't seen and I want to see. I've done some traveling over the years but not enough to quiche my thrust for more. As a little girl my parents would take us south to visit their families in Jacksonville, Florida. I just loved that thinking we were pretty special because many of the kids in the neighborhood didn't have that opportunity. Maybe that's what got my travel bug stared.
I've been to so places that I like Washington D.C. Vegas, Chicago, Florida, California, Texas and Ohio. I want to see more I want to see more. This country is filled with beautiful places to see and its time for me to see that. Now I have to come up with a plan to get money in my pocket and go.