The Year of 59(7)

Life has a way of breaking a person down and it's truly doing  a job on me. I'm referring to loving someone that just don't care about me. I hate to admit this but when I was growing up it was so hard to love my mother. I have to admit that I even carried that on into adulthood. I was my mother's second daughter and she loved me dearly she was a very troubled woman carrying all her pains and trails from her life and she took a lot out on her children. I couldn't see that growing up and I didn't know how to return the love to her. As a child I told myself that my children are going to love me and my grandchildren are going to love me too.

I was wrong on one account. I don't think my granddaughter loves me. I think she loves me as the woman that happened to be her father's mother and that's it. That hurts very deeply. I'd dream that my grandchildren would send me birthday cards like I send them and Mother's day cards. They would call me and talk to me to see how's things going with me. They would invite me to their outings and I would see them in school performances. None of that has happened for me. NONE OF THAT. Most of that couldn't happen because of the distance between us. She lives in Georgia and I in Michigan so that couldn't really happen for us My heart hurts because she was such a bright little girl that I would have loved to see her receiving awards for all the good work she did in school. I would have loved to have heard the last night Kelsey being called on stage for doing well in school. That didn't happen to me nor did it happen for my son. 

I thought if I would keep in touch with her over the years remembering her birthday and Christmas and other holidays that she would love me for that. I would send letters and call her anything just to maintain a loving relationship with her. I treasures those days when she was young and would come and visit with us. I held onto every moment of cooking together or reading together everything because I knew I wouldn't see her again until the next year. I couldn't wait to see her when we would drive that long road to see her for the holidays my heart just longing to be with her and talk to her and laugh with her. She was always so happy to share her room with me and show me all her friends and just be together. My tears would run like water falls when we had to go back home.  In my mind we were planting the seed of internal love for each other, grandmother and granddaughter's love. We could hear each others heart beat for each others and never lose the beat no matter how far away we were. I remember her laying on my chest and reading stories together and she saying how she could hear my heart beat. Nothing could take that sound away.

As I write this my heart hurts and the heart beats are drowning. I have to let her go. Birthday, holidays special days I get nothing from her. I've mentioned to her on several occasion on how to respect others by returning the favorite if someone remember you it's respectful to give back to that person especially when it's a family members. As she grew and grew nothing in return. Now don't think she's this heartless young woman because she isn't. She's kind and loving. Very smart and pretty it's just that for some reason I don't know what we don't have that same love for each other. I know why I found it hard to return the love to my mother. I thought she didn't care and love me. She was so hard on me verbally abusive at times and so I would pull back and just found it difficult to extend my love to her. Yet, I would remember her every occasion because she was my mother. 

She's an adult now and I don't feel that from her anymore. I don't feel the excitement she once had for me when she talks to me. I cry when holidays come and I get nothing but a phone call. I can't beg anymore for her affection towards me. I can't make her feel something that isn't there for me. I saw a clip of a show the other day on Facebook and a woman was in the court and her daughter was suing her mother for harassment. Her mother was trying to contact her to let her know that she was dying. I should say that the daughter didn't want to have anything to do with her mother because she was too black and uneducated. My heart just hurt for that mother. I often wonder why my granddaughter don't care for me anymore. Is it the color of my skin? Did I say something or do something? I have a college degree. Is it because I'm not pretty or fashionable? I just don't know. Maybe it's none of those things it's just that we've grown apart.  

What hurts the most is that my son suffers too. He tried to do the best he could as a long distance dad. No, he wasn't the best and he made a whole lot of mistakes but I think he worked hard to do the best he could. There's nothing between the two of them as well. I know he could just kick himself in the butt I know he wanted to be a good father and have a loving relationship with his child because he didn't have one with his dad. NOTHING! 

My prayer for her is that she continue to grow into the loving, intelligent, beautiful and gifted young lady she's growing into. A pray that she loves others with all her heart and that she helps those that do not have. I pray that what ever her dreams are that she reaches them and make new ones as she grows old. I pray that she become strong in body and in The Word of God. I pray that she always have someone that she loves and trust and that she never have the ache of not being loved in return. A pray that she sees the world not only on television but experiences it for herself. A pray that she save money for golden years and that she do what brings her joy. 

I will always remember that her small heart bumping and the laughs we had together and those yesterdays that tucked inside my mind. I want her to know that my heart still beats and that the a couple of those beats, beat for her.