These old Knees

 It’s been a month now since I had knee surgery on my right knee.  This has been a odd experience for me. I was very worried about the surgery as I haven’t had any surgeries in years. I did pray about thanking God for the opportunity to have the surgery knowing that in some countries people don’t have the opportunity like we have in this country. I prayed that I would have little or nor no pain. The doctor was recommended to me by a friend who’s friend had used his services and she had little pain. I didn’t want to have the surgery but my knees were giving me too much problem. I opt to do the left leg first since from seeing X-rays it was the worst. Then I changed and called to change to my right. I’m not sure why I changed it oh I remember it was giving out on me more and irritated me more than the left leg. 

I tried putting things together ahead of time. Kirk would take me and I would have my great Neice, Makia stay with me the first night. Then who ever could after that would be fine. Kirk had to go on a training for his job that first week. I went shopping and bought things I could just throw in the microwave and lots of fruit. I even got goli to take to not grain weight during that two months off and restricted to the house. Tiffany had made some meals for me to warmup because they had to go to KAYLAN’s baby shower too. I believe I had everything under control. In my mind it was going to be a stay in the house vacation. 

Kirk was able to go with me for the surgery. I was glad that he was there with me. On the way there he shares that his dad was having some issues and was on his way to the hospital too. I’m sure that wasn’t easy for him. The one thing I forgot to do was pray with him before I went in. That’s probably why I was so hesitant about doing the surgery the nurse had to talk me though it again before I agreed to go foreword. I didn’t pray with Kirk. I did say a silent prayer and before I knew it I was under and the surgery went on.

I don’t quite remember how long the surgery went. I believe I was out 12:00 and went under around 8:30. I felt like they rushed me out of there so quickly. I got dress went to the bathroom walked up and down some steps and was escorted out the door. Then off to recovery! My arrangements I had went up in smoke very quickly as my brother and his wife ended up staying with me because the house they were planning to move into wasn’t ready. This turned out to be a blessings as they were with me all day. They along with Kirk took so very good care of me making sure I was taking medication on time and applying ice to the knee to keep the swelling down. My prayers were answered as I had very little pain. Everyone was so surprised to hear me talking in good spirits and being able to walk around easily. I have to admit that I’m surprised as well. 

The down side of recovery is being alone. I did get blessed with my brother and his wife coming and being with me for a couple days . My nephew came after they left here for a funeral. He was such a blessings cooking meals and good conversation . After he left meant me being alone. A very nice friend, former coworker have been very supportive calling and coming by at every other day. That have been so good. I did have friends that visited bringing dinner too cool. Yet, those days of being alone are the hardest. I spend time thinking too much. I also, try crocheting. Tried making a card just couldn’t wrap my head around doing it. I think about everything under the sun which doesn’t really help anything. Heavy thoughts about my granddaughter wanting badly for her to reach out to me. Pretty much a big waste of my energy . It’s the hardest part of recovering. 

Just as I was typing this I received a text message from my granddaughter as she was replying to a text I had sent earlier. I’m glad she did. Listening to the story of the young lady that was kidnapped yesterday made me think more about her. I’m glad she texted me back.one of my deepest hurts is that I don’t have a very loving and supportive relationship with her. My prayer is that some how we become closer as the years passes.  I’ve also been watching lots of clips on Facebook of people blessings other people with money especially homeless people. So good to see people reaching out in such dramatic ways and changing peoples lives.  

I bend my knee the other day and working hard to do more of it. The stitches are fading away which is so awesome. I was truly getting tired of them. Funny thing happened the other day a tooth’s came out. Something I was hoping to take care of before the surgery. Thank God I have some pain medication left. So far no pain. 

I don’t want to go though this again next year but my left knee is cracking up in every sense of the word. 

                                                                          Children

It takes having children to make the world go round. I was blessed with just one and he was blessed with one and now she's having a baby! That's so exciting God is knitting the little man together in her womb. This is a special gift bringing another human being into the world. This allows for the next generation. 

I'm feeling down about it as I'm not there to be with her and see how her baby grow inside of her. I get to miss out again. Being a mom to a male isn't easy especially for me. What I'm experiencing isn't new to the world. So many women have experienced this. I'm sad that I wasn't able to have that close and loving relationship with my granddaughter. I tried but it didn't work in my favor. I've heard women over the year say that as a mother to a son it may not happen that you'll have a good relationship with the grands. I was hoping that this would not be the case for me. I know a lot of it is because she doesn't live here in the same state. In my mind I thought if I stay in contact with her and remember her on special occasions that she would know how much I love her and would help us. 

It didn't work out that way for me. I feel my tears piling up inside of me. I feel like just lying in the bed and crying. I wanted to share special times with her over the phone she shares moments with me and I sharing time with her. That didn't happen. I was hoping that I would wear her college sweatshirts and tell everybody about her. That didn't happen. Man, that hurts! 

This all hurts! There's no other way to express this. It hurts! I thought having more children that this will build my heart with more love and yet I only feel disappointment and hurt.  I should feel very excited about the baby coming but I don't because I know the baby will grow up not caring much for me. I know the baby won't love me the way I would love him. I love children and I never dreamed that this would be the world I would live. Welcome to reality!!

I'm not going to dream any more because I know that what I would dream won't come true. I totally understand now that children are not going to meet my expectations of what I've imagined it would be. I so wanted to have this good relationship with my grandchild and she calls me and tells me all about the good things in her life or even the challenging things she maybe facing. I wanted to pray with her and talk about being a Christian with her. That was so dumb of to want that. 

One day I wrote a poem about grandmother.

I apologize for choosing Kirk's father to his father. Not being able to love him and show him how to be a father. 

I apologize I apologize for not explaining to him more about sexual relationships before he get married.

I apologize

I apologize for having your father be late to get to yourself when you were born becasue I working at my second job. Which kept him from seeing and being with you right away when you entered the world.

I apologize 

I apologize for not living in the same state as you and your family which enable us from bing there to see you grow up.

I apologize 

I apologize for all the long dreives we took to travel to visit you over the years.

I apologize

I apologize for all the gifts I got you for birthdays and holidays because I wanted you to have a smile on your face.

I apologize 

I apologize for not seeing you graduate from preschool, elementary and middle school because we didn't know when they would be so that me or dad could be there to see you.

I apologize for

I apologize for not being as smart as you and your other family.

I apologize f

I apologize for having God place you in your mother's womb using my son's sperm to be the father.

I apologize.

I apologize for being your grandmother I so apologize.

What Will Be Will Be

I remember hearing this song when I was a little girl. I didn't really understand it as a child by now at 65 I totally get. I didn't ask my mother what I will be. I just knew I was going to grow up and be this super cool and fun teacher. I was going to do that until I retired. Then I dreamed about being other things too, an actress, a writer. My mind would go on and on about what I thought I wanted to be. 

ere's what she said to me

"Que será, será

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que será, será

What will be, will be"

I did teach for a while. That was super cool, fun and frustrating. I didn't have a degree in education but lots of experience working with children. I think I wasn't confident in my abilities as a teacher, and I let it go. That's what it was

I did do my own one woman show. Now that was super, super cool. Being on that stage and performing as myself was surreal. I couldn't believe I was actually on that stage. I remember doing a play when I was younger with the church that was pretty awesome too. I don't know why I didn't pursue that. Probably allowing fear to be my guide instead of. walking in faith. That's what it was.

I do now have brought me so much joy. I do enjoy seeing the boys trying to maintain and learn in school although they're going through some very difficult times in their lives. I can relate to their experiences because of my own but it still hurts seeing them having to experience not being with their families. It tickles me when they call me "grandma" or say that they're glad I'm there for them. It's a blessing and a joy to just encourage them and try my best to help them succeed. School is so important, and I know they don't understand it right now. I just don't want them to look back and say no one was there for them to encourage them. I want them to look back and say "Miss Kim" was so helpful. They're important to the world and I want them to know that they really matter. I want them to be left behind. This is what it is. I'm doing what I meant to be. I believe that I will (hope) do this working with the boys, helping them with education until I retire. 

 

 

                                                         My Mind is Wandering

Actually, I have a lot running though this mind of mine. Today is Kirk's retirement party his work is giving him a party.  He's officially a retired man. Unbelievable! He's very excited about it. I know he's ready for something different. One of those life things. I know when I was working here at CCH for twenty years I was so ready to move on. I did get tired of the same old conversations and arguments we would have. I know my ego was running over time thinking that I knew everything and everybody else had no clue. I have to laugh just thinking about that when I was in limbo. I wanted out and so I decided to leave. 

He's doing pretty much the same thing getting away from the same people arguing about the same thing and the same people. Off he goes to another adventure more of the same thing with different people. I'm happy for him blessed that the Lord kept him save for 26 years as a policeman. People always wanted to know if I was worried about him.  Maybe in the beginning I was worried my cousin was a police officer and he had gotten shot so that did stay in my head. Then my brother asked me how often how often did I hear reports of a police getting shot. At that time it wasn't often that you would hear about a police getting shot. I had to just relax and believe that he was trained well and that God would keep him save. 

I remember once living in an apartment and and a cop rung my doorbell. I quickly buzzed them in and they informed me that they were there for my neighbor. I believe my heart fell to my toes that day. I was relieved and scared at the same time. Seeing those police officer at that door was probably the most frightening experience I had ever had at that time in my life.  I had heard that's what they do when a police officer is shot come to your door to let you know. I was so grateful that God let him serve for 26 years and he never had an injurer.  What a blessing!

Now we're here and he's moving on. He's still going to be an officer just different in that he would dealing with a smaller population of people. He's a good people person so he should do well. That's the other thing about him so many people adores him. When I posted he was retiring on my Facebook account I got over a 100 comments and likes when ever I put something about me I may get 30. Everyone was wishing well. Many commented that they were very proud of him and how much they loved him. That's beautiful to read and know about your son. The man I was hoping and praying he would become. He became.

As for me I feel so worn out now especially from the move. My body feels like I had ran into a brick wall. My body aches I'm really feeling my age. My knees doesn't want to move lately and just think I was working out for over six months so they would be strong. It didn't work. Moving is so hard to do right now. My knees just don't work like that use to.  Maybe being in a smaller place is just what I need. All I think about these days are getting older. I feel like crying.

It seems all I hear these days are the words "retirement" it's pretty weird. I came into work today and a couples of coworkers were talking about it. It's so amazing that the subject just keeps coming in. Like a reminder that I'm headed in that direction. What can I say I'm definitely feeling it. I constantly think about getting older it's like its a broken record just going around in my head over and over. Of course I worry what's next for me? Lately, I've been watching the 70's show Family a lot lately too. Those days when I was just a teenager. I was so worried about becoming an adult. Wow! life is just a circle that goes around and around. I see things that I've seen before only in different forms, shapes and sizes. That's what my mind have been wandering about over and over again.

                                                                      Moving On

Man, I hate having this experience yet again moving into another place. I'm blessed yes in deed. My landlord had another place for me to rent. That's what I hate me never buying a house. Which is way I keep finding myself in this very frustrating place all over again. I'm so blessed not having to go look for a place and having this place not far from the place I'm living in now. It's a cute place so much smaller than what I have now. I'm grateful that it's a flat and not an apartment because I'm still not ready to live in an apartment building with lots of people around. 

It's great that God knows our desires He knew I didn't want that. Yet, I find myself upset that I have to move again. I kick myself all the time that all my life I've had a job but yet I never saved enough money to buy a house for myself. This is so heartbreaking for me that I didn't value myself enough to not make away for me to own my own house.  I have to laugh at myself because I pride myself on being a little more educated then my parents but yet my mother own her own home she even died in her house. Look at me worked all my life working everyday and no house to show my work. That's so heartbreaking. 

I can't really blame anyone but myself for this. I put myself in this situation so I don't have anyone to blame for being in this predicament that I find myself in at this place in my life. It doesn't say much about me, right? I can't turn back the hands of time and make things better or do things differently. I'm here and all I can say is don't be like me. I can't find any other way to express how bad I feel about being in this space in my life. 

Home owner ship is a beautiful thing and I truly missed the boat in not making that happen for me. I can only hope that my granddaughter do much better than I.

                                                                     AARP

I'm 64 and my son is 49 that time of seeing him grow just flew by. I can't believe the conversation we had the other day.  I couldn't imagine that we this day would come. I imagined high school graduation picking out photos to give to people for graduation. I thought about picking a college he would attend but for some odd reason I didn't imagine this day, talking about retiring. 

He's thinking about retiring soon and looking into another job.  I'm thinking about retiring and the next five years and this starts our conversation. In my mind I didn't want to see him retire I wanted to see him working as a police officer for at least 10 more years. I just didn't want to see him as a older man. A full grown man. A man that has watched his own child go off to college and now getting ready to finished her dissertation in Chemistry.  Here we were talking about retiring. I listened to him talk about starting his life over doing something else with his life. This isn't the conservation that I just couldn't imagine being around to hear that conversation. Although, we're only fifteen years ago I saw myself much older than he. The hands of time just keeps on clicking although it may seem slow it really speeds along. 

Before I know it I'll have a great grandchild greeting me.

Oh Them Bones

 

Oh, Them Bones

Being 64, is a pain in my knee. My life has changed so drastically because my knees ache all the time. I really shouldn't be so surprise seeing that arthritis runs deep within my family. I thought I was going to get past it because I've been doing well all this time. It all started about three years ago after I would play tennis my body would feel funny. No pain just not feeling well.  Then a year later my knee would hurt. Now it's hurts all the time. I'm not happy about this at all. I really don't want to look into getting surgery only because I just don't want to be cut on. 

This life change is just what I didn't want to happen to me as I aged. I've been working out more since then. I continue to look at myself looking for more signs of aging. Why am I getting so worked up over this? Aging is going to happen I just have to except this and continue on. Yes, I can do something like workout and probably look into getting the surgery. I believe there is more going on with me when it comes to aging. I'm not ready to really look deep into it. There' so many changes that are really happening that I feel as life is just over coming me. I'll have to take a deep breath, pray and move on. I probably need to get the rubbing cream close by too.

Back to work

I went back to work with a heavy heart knowing that Myron will never cross those doors again. I was strong and didn’t cry although I really wanted to. I remember the lady time I saw him in the house I wanted to ask him something but he was enjoying himself laughing with staff. I thought I’ll ask him when we come back to work. 

I so enjoyed working with him over the years. 

Oh Lord in the Morning

I really like that that’s a verse in the Bible in Psalm 5, I love it. Give ear to my cry oh Lord! I’ve been crying out to the Lord every since this began shouting out to Him. I know it’s a cry of fear. I pray that Lord that You will be with us in this time of fear. God has allowed me to see anew morning and many eyes do not open any more. 

I have to go back to work next week grateful for these days home. Grateful that things got taken care of while I was home. 

The sun is shining today even in the sunshine the darkness rides on. 

The Clouds covering b

The weather has been so dark and dreary which makes being inside so much more harder. The darkness seems to keep me in a little funk which only drags the day. I push through it and tidy up drawers and linen clothes something I’ve never done since I’ve been here. That was a lift. 

Grateful for scrapbooking helps to fuse creativity which I love making cards too. I’m grateful that 

I’m Here

I done know how long it’s been since this all began. The days drag into the next sometimes I’m disappointed when the night falls because I’m going to bed and if God grants me breath I’m back to our world of shut in. I’m doing alright with this situation I don’t mind being in I get a little lonely but I’m doing fine. Having the boys call and reading with me each day they seemed so cooperative and reading better as well. Ms Regina is doing a fabulous joy of organizing a schedule for the boys learning. I know it’s her joy and she has excellent skills and knowledge.  I have to admit grateful I’m not there. I needed a break I hate this situation we’re experiencing in our world just glad to be here and away from all that work entails the interaction with each other. I believe I was drained, overwhelmed and tried. 

This is not what I’ve would have wanted seeing what’s happening in our world the darkness that surrounds us. The sun doesn’t seem like it wants to appear. God has a great plan for the world the cleanses we’re experiencing is just so painful. God asked us to not be fearful to trust in Him believing He knows what’s best for us. This is where my faith has to develop. The Bible says I will keep you in perfect peace if you keep your mind stayed on Me. Keeping my mind on Him trusting that He knows what’s best for me. 

When will This Be Over

A good friend of mine texted me this morning it was literally a few minutes after we had laughed in one text she texted me her good friend had passed away the night before. This madden in an instant it’s over. We’re losing so many people this is just more than anyone have ever imagined. 

Kirk shared with me that the little girl that I’ve been seeing on Facebook that had passed away from complications that stemmed from the virus was a friend of he’s daughter, she was only five the youngest to lose her life from this virus. 

There’s so many stories that people are sharing and crying all over the world. Our Heavenly Father has brought us to our knees. 

Walking around wearing mask and gloves. Every time someone gets close to me I feel myself freezing concerned that they may say thing and the virus will travel to me. A little girl walked passed me she was a distance away actually on the other side of the gate she yells out to me” hi how are today!” I see the joy and excitement and hear it in her voice and the worry ran through my vains. I’ve lost the joy and love for acknowledgment of the other person. This hurt me deep inside that I couldn’t be in that moment and enjoy the love that was given to me from her. 

Shawn called two days ago to say his dear friend Octavia had passed away. She was a very sweet and loving young lady. A gem of a women. An actres, writer, mentor, director and producer she loved every aspect of theater. It was her passion being in the theater it didn’t seem to matter where she just love the arts. She was a very kind person and cheerful. She was always fighting a physical battle but never seemed to lose her zeal for life. I believe that God has her with Him she allowed Him to use her and such a loving way.

A couple weeks ago I watched her whole her first grandchild I was so happy for her knowing what she gave experienced over the years and there she was holding an extension of herself.

Father God I’m screaming out to You! Have mercy on us. My hope is in You, Lord

Our father who art in heaven hallowed it be thine Name, thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give each day our daily bread and forgive us our traspasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory. For ever and ever, amen 

Come Together

There were a protest to against our governor for extending our stay at home. I have a theory why so many wants it lifted. I’m sure there’s people that may not agree with this but it’s the way this virus is being reported that many wants to go back to work. It’s definitely race related many white Americans are hearing that it effects more blacks in our state. Most white people in our state not working side by side with black people they see no reason their community should suffer from closing their area businesses. Their not concern about elderly because they feel they’re going to die anyway and their not a big contributor to the economy so it doesn’t matter. 

We will always be saw as useless in this country no some people don’t want us to come together.   We have to stop breaking things down to race and just look at it as people. As long as we continue reporting black white we’ll never be able to come together. People are dying from all races it doesn’t matter what’s their nationality it’s all about caring for people saving peoples lives. Why are we so heartless? 

A friend of mine posted on Facebook her son performing at their school’s talent show today. No one wore a mask. My friend posted that we’re over reacting to this virus and we need to move forward. I’m so disappointed and hurt believing that she’s one of those who believe this is not their issues. I looked at Myron’s Facebook page and my heart hurts. Too many life’s are taken to early. He has two young boys that’s going to grow up with out him. He loved his boys he worked so hard with them. This didn’t have to be this way. Why did our president have to be so arrogant and uncaring? This is the worst president I’ve ever seen. It really amazes me that others follow him. What a message 

What’s today?

For a second I couldn’t remember what was today. I thought it was Wednesday when I couldn’t find my wallet and the days seemed as if they ran together. It’s Tuesday, April 14,2020 and we’re still holding on staying put. My friend, Tarpeh sent an article saying it was 100 years Spanish flu. Amazing that here we are again watching the world change right in front of our eyes. I don’t even want to write about the fear that comes and goes through my mind. I sit in the house turn the television off in just be in the quiet. Life has been moving from one thing to and never being in quiet I’ve got this time and I’m going to enjoy not bugging anyone or they bugging me. I think I longed for that because I was getting a little agitated with dealing with people. This gave me that moment.

The down part is that people have loss their lives, lively hood and so much more. They’re living in fear of what tomorrow may bring. This is horrible! Our president doesn’t make it any easier. I’ll write a

One More Month

I'll be sixty in one more month. I wanted to write on this blog space every month until I turned sixty. That didn't happen. Just like so many things in this life for me it didn't happen. You know I can feel my tears right now as I write this so diapponited that I didn't make this life I was given a joyous one. My intentions are to write on this blog until I turn sixty. I wanted meaning in this life. I wanted excitement and I wanted love.
I'm back in the classroom again. Of course, I've been thinking about those days as a preschool teacher it was so much fun. The little people were so fun and loving. The world was so new to them and they just ate up everything I would tell them. They loved me and I loved them.
When I taught elementary school children it was such a very hard job. I forgot how mean children could be to each other. Their attitudes were so bad too. They looked like little teenagers and acted like them too. I was amazed how they would sit and find ways to hurt each others feelings. There would be few that would work at trying to get my attention but many didn't care if I was there or not.
Now I'm in the classroom again with high schoolers. This group of young people are so hard to reach and being locked up doesn't help the matter either. I know I'm not really reaching anyone and I'm always begging them to listen to me. I could feel myself getting so angry that they find themselves in a place where they're resticted and locked in and they only think of what can they do to get back to the hetic and crazy life they were living. (more later)

Year of 59 (15)

I know I've written about friendship before but as I grow older and I realize how much I need and love my friends. I was feeling down today after getting off work. I don't think I feel comfortable working in that detention center. The kids are so depressing listening to them say such awful things to each other and me. My heart is broken seeing our black children so caught up in negativity. Everything is so harsh and evil. The way they throw off killing people as if its a joke. How to we allow for things to get like this. There's songs about smoking weed as if it's alright to do. My heart just sink every time I hear them sing that song. I don't like what I see and hear from our young people these days.
Listening to this has taken me down a little road of sadness. I wondered what is this all about? I began to question everything about the world and life. I find myself unsure of what to do and say to them to help encourage them to take this time and learn something. School is so improtant and I know they don't know how improtant it is and they fight agaisnt it. Trying to encourage them in a setting like that is so hard. I find myself taking it personelly. Why are they so mean to me? I'll think when its not about me at all it really all about how they're feeling at the time. I feel so old next to them I feel so out of touch with how the world is.

The Year of 59 (14)

I'm finally writing agian. Life is rally just a twinke. I tell you I feel that twinkle the other day  I fell down the stairs the other day. I couldn't believe it. I totally lost control as I was trubbling down the stairs I didn't know what to do I was scared. I remember yelling praying that I would be alright once I landed. I was fine busied and scared but alright.
From that incident i really see how everything can changed in the twinkling of an eye. Everything can be over just that quick. I could have hurt myself seriously just from that fall. I realized that my whole life could be different and I have so much to be grateful for my body is sore but I'm able to work and talk and live.

The Year of 59(13)

Going to the chapel and they're going to get married!

I'm not sure if I've blogged that my only child is planning on getting married next year! I thought he would be a single man all his adult life. He came to me on several times telling me that he was going to marry someone and it didn't panout for them. This time it looks as if he's going to make it happen. I'm excited for him and Tiffany because they both seem so happy. He proposal to her while on a criuse in May. Tiffany said that she was pretty surprised didn't see it coming. She thought he was falling because of his hip so when he got down and asked her she was stunned. Have to be happy for them both they've been though a lot over the years. I didn't realize it was ten years that they've know each other. I'm so happy that they want to spend their lives together.

Everyone asked me if I like her and the answer is so YES. She's such a kind and intelligent young lady. I just find myself in awe of her intelligence. She's very kind I was so grateful for her when Rhodia passed away she was right there for me helping me. She's a great cook too. She always invite me over to grab something to eat because she knows I'm not a good cook. I'm just happy that he has found someone to love. Life is very lonely when you don't have someone that loves you. Look at me 59 and I don't have that experience under my belt. I'm also excited because they're planning a destation wedding in Jamacia. I've never been there before so it's going to be nice to witness a marriage in what I've heard a beautiful place. My hope is that they have some friends come along and wittness their marriage as well.

Of course my prayer for them is to live a life together working together. I pray that they support and encourage each other. That they look to each other for comfort and times of need and love and laughter through out their lives. I pray that they use their mony wisely and that they find an organization that they can give to. I pray that they work to leave a finical legacy for their grandchildren. I pray that they both spend time learning more about the love of Christ and they would want to live a life for Him. I pray that they live a healthy life taking care of their bodies eating the rights foods and getting rest and working out. My prayer is that their love for each other will continue to hold them together no matter what comes their way.


Everyone asked me if I like her and the answer is so YES. She's such a kind and intelligent young lady. I just find myself in awe of her intelligence. She's very kind I was so grateful for her when Rhodia passed away she was right there for me helping me. She's a great cook too. She always invite me over to grab something to eat because she knows I'm not a good cook. I'm just happy that he has found someone to love. Life is very lonely when you don't have someone that loves you. Look at me 59 and I don't have that experience under my belt. I'm also excited because they're planning a destation wedding in Jamacia. I've never been there before so it's going to be nice to witness a marriage in what I've heard a beautiful place. My hope is that they have some friends come along and wittness their marriage as well.

The Year of 59 (11)

There's so much to write about since I haven't written in a while I just don't know where to begin. I'll start at yesterday. I went to see the Lisa's daugther (Kirk's cousin) do a book signing at a book store. I watched this young intelligent woman talked about how she was able to come up with such beautiful poems about life. I was so amazed at how intune she was to herself and her thoughts but more improtantly to the plot of African American people in our society. At some point I couldn't really keep up with her because she was so advance in her thougths and langauage. Of course you know that I thought about the past. I looked at her and saw her mother and grandmother and growing up with them. Her mom Lisa was such a smart kid too. We had such great promise for her Lisa especially after she was given a scholarship to U of Michigan. Something happen and she quit. Then she had this beautiful little girl. Very sweet just like her mother. She was every mother's dream pretty, smart and kind. I thought more about her grandmother.

We weren't really encouraged as young people to excel on the level that young people are encouraged today. I know I grew up so bitter and so angry at the world that I was living in. I wanted to be a good students but found myself quitting and not really putting much into learning. I didn't see any hope for myself or for my future. I didn't see the future young woman like Chanel and my granddaughter, Kaylan. So smart and intelligent and gifted. I just thought of the song To Be Young Gifted and Black. I didn't see kids growing in the hood having grandchildren that would would one day work on getting a Ph.d, I just never saw that coming when I was a young teen ager. I looked at her and I wondered what would the world look like in twenty years it just has bo be so much better because these young people are just awesome.

What else is going on?

I'm on vacation now for three weeks. I haven't had a vacation like this in a long time. I found myself so lost and lonely. Isn't that awful all the time at work I would cry "I need a day off" I finally get that day and even extra and I'm crying about being lonely. I don't know how to take advantage of each day. How to take what I have and make the best of it. I think about my sister, Rhodia I look at the pictures she drew and I'm amazed at how she would just create I'm sure every hour of her life wasn't filled with something she had to do. She took those down times and she created her art. People use the word Passion a lot these days. I way to encourage people to devote time and energy into something they love that way time won't be so long and boring. I just can't seem to find my passion and this is probably why I spend so much time doing nothing. This is why it's so improtant to have chldren develop their interest so that they will know what brings them joy when they're older. I thought crocheting was going to be my passion because I loved making things but after several years of making things I got tired of croctheting and stopped. I did get angry with myself for giving it up because there is so much more I could have done using different stitches. I think this is why I struggle so much because I don't have a passion for anything. My mind wanders so much and I often find myself lost with nothing to do. I have friends that are so creative and work at their art all the time.
This is way I spend too much time doing nothing.

On Sunday we had a woman speaker. She made a comment that really stuck with me. She used the term "learned helplessness." I'd heard that term before when I was in school. I'm not sure if I made a connection with it back them but when she said it on Sunday it radiated with me very deeply. I realized then that's how I lived my life, being helpless. I learned it so early in life that i just held on to it for all my life. I've noticed that I do give up on things very quickly, I've noticed that if I don't get it right away I'm ready to just let it go. This is something that have held me back for years, not good.

The Year of 59(10)

When I was a very little girl I would often baby sit for people my family knew. In my mind that was a job. I'd  baby sat for couples at the church we attended a lot. One couple had four children and they would have me come early in the morning and I would be with the children until late at night. I hated it at times but loved being with the children. Although this wasn't a full time job I did it enough to feel as if it was. If it wasn't someone from church it was family friends children. Now that I look back at my life I have be blessed with a job.

At a place in my life right now that I'm sort of tired of working. This isn't good because I'm not rich so that means I have to work.  I'm at a place now in my life where I want to do something different in my life I just can't find what that different would be. I've been blessed to have this positon working in a school as a Site-Coordinator for an after school program. I loved what I was able to do as a Site-Coordinator at ACE Academy when I really think about it Ihaving this job was like the dream job for me. I know I'd dreamed of working in a school running a program and having people come in and work with the students with fun and interactive learning. Even as a young girl I've always thought that I probably could learn more if I was more involved with the learning instead of just reading things all the time and just writing the answers on a sheet of paper. 

I got that opportunity to bring people in with skills and knowledge on subjects that the students would have the opportunity to have in a fun and interactive way. We had music, this class was more making cd's and rapping. I'm wasn't crazy about that because our students use lots of  profanity and inapprioate lyrics and we're constanly having them change the lyrics and they were never happy with that. The teacher would often try having a theme but the students only wanted to rap about money, girls or guns. I had to realized that this is what they were used to and we just had to stay on top of them.

The class that I had was so happy to bring to the school through the YMCA was keyboarding. Why Keyboarding? I've always wanted to play the keyboard and although I eventually took lesson as an adult maybe if I would have the opportunity to learn the keyboard earlier in life then I would be playing the piano now. I wanted the students to have some knowledge of the keyboard. The class started off as a drum class but because the room was sound proof the students would have headaches after the class. We were so fortuanate that the teacher that teaching drumming could also play the keyboard. When we had our Black History program one of the students played the Black National Anthem for us. If you could see my heart it was beaming with joy.

Two of the biggest joys came with me being able to write. I don't consider myself a writer because of my grammer. I'm sure you're finding lots of mistakes as you read my blogs. I know that there are young people that like to write and wanted to give them the opportunity to write. I got blessed with a young man that came and he was able to work with the students to make our first newsletter. It looked just like a newspaper. The students were very happy and I was over joyed. The young man that had the program for the newletter quit and I didn't have anyone to take his place. That meant that I had to try it myself. I found a newsletter format on the microsoft and made our first newsletter. Not all the boys jumped in on it but those that submitted articles had some very good stories, interveiws and poems to add to the newsletter. Doing the newsletter gave me the opportunity to develop my skills to write more. I was loving every minute I was putting time into writing the newsletter.

I also had the opportunity to work witht the students putting together the Black History program. It was so much fun coming up with skits with the students. I was pretty surprised with my writing coming up with skits. Putting it together was so much fun. I was surprised at how much fun I was having working with the students with lines, directing and writing. I saw myself as the woman I think I had dreamed of but I wasn't really sure but it was just amazing how my heart would beat faster everytime I would write or when I was working with the students on the parts in the show. I was loving putting the show together all my enegries were moving so fast and I was so high. Maybe I missed my calling I thought several times while working on the paper and the show. I would think I really should be a writer or an actress. I was so appreciative of the 21st Century Afterschool program that really gave me the opportunity to do such wonderful and fun things with the students.

We've learned that the grant for the afterschool program wasn't granted to our school this year. Heartbroken for sure yet I think I'm ready to move on. The thoughts of ending just keep moving through my mind. I'm beginning to think about all the jobs I've had over the years. Some I was so heart broken about that the tears would just over take me. This time I have no tears because I'll still be with the company but I will move on to another facility. I don't want to work in a youth detention center any more because I don't want to work with students with such bad attitudes. Yet, I don't see myself doing anything else. I'm sure many of midage people like myself find themselves in the same dilemma in their lives trying to picture themselves doing something else wotth while in their lives. I this point I feel like screaming but that won't make things better at all. Back to this job. I was blessed it was a good experience. I have Cathy to thank for that she and DeBorah recommeneded that I take the position nine years ago when they were planning on letting the other young lady go. I felt so bad about that I meet the young lady once and she was so nice, I didn't want to take the position because I had supervised people before and I really didn't like doing that. I really didn't feel I was the right person for the job. They convinced me and here I am today getting ready to move on.