These old Knees

 It’s been a month now since I had knee surgery on my right knee.  This has been a odd experience for me. I was very worried about the surgery as I haven’t had any surgeries in years. I did pray about thanking God for the opportunity to have the surgery knowing that in some countries people don’t have the opportunity like we have in this country. I prayed that I would have little or nor no pain. The doctor was recommended to me by a friend who’s friend had used his services and she had little pain. I didn’t want to have the surgery but my knees were giving me too much problem. I opt to do the left leg first since from seeing X-rays it was the worst. Then I changed and called to change to my right. I’m not sure why I changed it oh I remember it was giving out on me more and irritated me more than the left leg. 

I tried putting things together ahead of time. Kirk would take me and I would have my great Neice, Makia stay with me the first night. Then who ever could after that would be fine. Kirk had to go on a training for his job that first week. I went shopping and bought things I could just throw in the microwave and lots of fruit. I even got goli to take to not grain weight during that two months off and restricted to the house. Tiffany had made some meals for me to warmup because they had to go to KAYLAN’s baby shower too. I believe I had everything under control. In my mind it was going to be a stay in the house vacation. 

Kirk was able to go with me for the surgery. I was glad that he was there with me. On the way there he shares that his dad was having some issues and was on his way to the hospital too. I’m sure that wasn’t easy for him. The one thing I forgot to do was pray with him before I went in. That’s probably why I was so hesitant about doing the surgery the nurse had to talk me though it again before I agreed to go foreword. I didn’t pray with Kirk. I did say a silent prayer and before I knew it I was under and the surgery went on.

I don’t quite remember how long the surgery went. I believe I was out 12:00 and went under around 8:30. I felt like they rushed me out of there so quickly. I got dress went to the bathroom walked up and down some steps and was escorted out the door. Then off to recovery! My arrangements I had went up in smoke very quickly as my brother and his wife ended up staying with me because the house they were planning to move into wasn’t ready. This turned out to be a blessings as they were with me all day. They along with Kirk took so very good care of me making sure I was taking medication on time and applying ice to the knee to keep the swelling down. My prayers were answered as I had very little pain. Everyone was so surprised to hear me talking in good spirits and being able to walk around easily. I have to admit that I’m surprised as well. 

The down side of recovery is being alone. I did get blessed with my brother and his wife coming and being with me for a couple days . My nephew came after they left here for a funeral. He was such a blessings cooking meals and good conversation . After he left meant me being alone. A very nice friend, former coworker have been very supportive calling and coming by at every other day. That have been so good. I did have friends that visited bringing dinner too cool. Yet, those days of being alone are the hardest. I spend time thinking too much. I also, try crocheting. Tried making a card just couldn’t wrap my head around doing it. I think about everything under the sun which doesn’t really help anything. Heavy thoughts about my granddaughter wanting badly for her to reach out to me. Pretty much a big waste of my energy . It’s the hardest part of recovering. 

Just as I was typing this I received a text message from my granddaughter as she was replying to a text I had sent earlier. I’m glad she did. Listening to the story of the young lady that was kidnapped yesterday made me think more about her. I’m glad she texted me back.one of my deepest hurts is that I don’t have a very loving and supportive relationship with her. My prayer is that some how we become closer as the years passes.  I’ve also been watching lots of clips on Facebook of people blessings other people with money especially homeless people. So good to see people reaching out in such dramatic ways and changing peoples lives.  

I bend my knee the other day and working hard to do more of it. The stitches are fading away which is so awesome. I was truly getting tired of them. Funny thing happened the other day a tooth’s came out. Something I was hoping to take care of before the surgery. Thank God I have some pain medication left. So far no pain. 

I don’t want to go though this again next year but my left knee is cracking up in every sense of the word. 

                                                                          Children

It takes having children to make the world go round. I was blessed with just one and he was blessed with one and now she's having a baby! That's so exciting God is knitting the little man together in her womb. This is a special gift bringing another human being into the world. This allows for the next generation. 

I'm feeling down about it as I'm not there to be with her and see how her baby grow inside of her. I get to miss out again. Being a mom to a male isn't easy especially for me. What I'm experiencing isn't new to the world. So many women have experienced this. I'm sad that I wasn't able to have that close and loving relationship with my granddaughter. I tried but it didn't work in my favor. I've heard women over the year say that as a mother to a son it may not happen that you'll have a good relationship with the grands. I was hoping that this would not be the case for me. I know a lot of it is because she doesn't live here in the same state. In my mind I thought if I stay in contact with her and remember her on special occasions that she would know how much I love her and would help us. 

It didn't work out that way for me. I feel my tears piling up inside of me. I feel like just lying in the bed and crying. I wanted to share special times with her over the phone she shares moments with me and I sharing time with her. That didn't happen. I was hoping that I would wear her college sweatshirts and tell everybody about her. That didn't happen. Man, that hurts! 

This all hurts! There's no other way to express this. It hurts! I thought having more children that this will build my heart with more love and yet I only feel disappointment and hurt.  I should feel very excited about the baby coming but I don't because I know the baby will grow up not caring much for me. I know the baby won't love me the way I would love him. I love children and I never dreamed that this would be the world I would live. Welcome to reality!!

I'm not going to dream any more because I know that what I would dream won't come true. I totally understand now that children are not going to meet my expectations of what I've imagined it would be. I so wanted to have this good relationship with my grandchild and she calls me and tells me all about the good things in her life or even the challenging things she maybe facing. I wanted to pray with her and talk about being a Christian with her. That was so dumb of to want that. 

One day I wrote a poem about grandmother.

I apologize for choosing Kirk's father to his father. Not being able to love him and show him how to be a father. 

I apologize I apologize for not explaining to him more about sexual relationships before he get married.

I apologize

I apologize for having your father be late to get to yourself when you were born becasue I working at my second job. Which kept him from seeing and being with you right away when you entered the world.

I apologize 

I apologize for not living in the same state as you and your family which enable us from bing there to see you grow up.

I apologize 

I apologize for all the long dreives we took to travel to visit you over the years.

I apologize

I apologize for all the gifts I got you for birthdays and holidays because I wanted you to have a smile on your face.

I apologize 

I apologize for not seeing you graduate from preschool, elementary and middle school because we didn't know when they would be so that me or dad could be there to see you.

I apologize for

I apologize for not being as smart as you and your other family.

I apologize f

I apologize for having God place you in your mother's womb using my son's sperm to be the father.

I apologize.

I apologize for being your grandmother I so apologize.

What Will Be Will Be

I remember hearing this song when I was a little girl. I didn't really understand it as a child by now at 65 I totally get. I didn't ask my mother what I will be. I just knew I was going to grow up and be this super cool and fun teacher. I was going to do that until I retired. Then I dreamed about being other things too, an actress, a writer. My mind would go on and on about what I thought I wanted to be. 

ere's what she said to me

"Que será, será

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que será, será

What will be, will be"

I did teach for a while. That was super cool, fun and frustrating. I didn't have a degree in education but lots of experience working with children. I think I wasn't confident in my abilities as a teacher, and I let it go. That's what it was

I did do my own one woman show. Now that was super, super cool. Being on that stage and performing as myself was surreal. I couldn't believe I was actually on that stage. I remember doing a play when I was younger with the church that was pretty awesome too. I don't know why I didn't pursue that. Probably allowing fear to be my guide instead of. walking in faith. That's what it was.

I do now have brought me so much joy. I do enjoy seeing the boys trying to maintain and learn in school although they're going through some very difficult times in their lives. I can relate to their experiences because of my own but it still hurts seeing them having to experience not being with their families. It tickles me when they call me "grandma" or say that they're glad I'm there for them. It's a blessing and a joy to just encourage them and try my best to help them succeed. School is so important, and I know they don't understand it right now. I just don't want them to look back and say no one was there for them to encourage them. I want them to look back and say "Miss Kim" was so helpful. They're important to the world and I want them to know that they really matter. I want them to be left behind. This is what it is. I'm doing what I meant to be. I believe that I will (hope) do this working with the boys, helping them with education until I retire. 

 

 

                                                         My Mind is Wandering

Actually, I have a lot running though this mind of mine. Today is Kirk's retirement party his work is giving him a party.  He's officially a retired man. Unbelievable! He's very excited about it. I know he's ready for something different. One of those life things. I know when I was working here at CCH for twenty years I was so ready to move on. I did get tired of the same old conversations and arguments we would have. I know my ego was running over time thinking that I knew everything and everybody else had no clue. I have to laugh just thinking about that when I was in limbo. I wanted out and so I decided to leave. 

He's doing pretty much the same thing getting away from the same people arguing about the same thing and the same people. Off he goes to another adventure more of the same thing with different people. I'm happy for him blessed that the Lord kept him save for 26 years as a policeman. People always wanted to know if I was worried about him.  Maybe in the beginning I was worried my cousin was a police officer and he had gotten shot so that did stay in my head. Then my brother asked me how often how often did I hear reports of a police getting shot. At that time it wasn't often that you would hear about a police getting shot. I had to just relax and believe that he was trained well and that God would keep him save. 

I remember once living in an apartment and and a cop rung my doorbell. I quickly buzzed them in and they informed me that they were there for my neighbor. I believe my heart fell to my toes that day. I was relieved and scared at the same time. Seeing those police officer at that door was probably the most frightening experience I had ever had at that time in my life.  I had heard that's what they do when a police officer is shot come to your door to let you know. I was so grateful that God let him serve for 26 years and he never had an injurer.  What a blessing!

Now we're here and he's moving on. He's still going to be an officer just different in that he would dealing with a smaller population of people. He's a good people person so he should do well. That's the other thing about him so many people adores him. When I posted he was retiring on my Facebook account I got over a 100 comments and likes when ever I put something about me I may get 30. Everyone was wishing well. Many commented that they were very proud of him and how much they loved him. That's beautiful to read and know about your son. The man I was hoping and praying he would become. He became.

As for me I feel so worn out now especially from the move. My body feels like I had ran into a brick wall. My body aches I'm really feeling my age. My knees doesn't want to move lately and just think I was working out for over six months so they would be strong. It didn't work. Moving is so hard to do right now. My knees just don't work like that use to.  Maybe being in a smaller place is just what I need. All I think about these days are getting older. I feel like crying.

It seems all I hear these days are the words "retirement" it's pretty weird. I came into work today and a couples of coworkers were talking about it. It's so amazing that the subject just keeps coming in. Like a reminder that I'm headed in that direction. What can I say I'm definitely feeling it. I constantly think about getting older it's like its a broken record just going around in my head over and over. Of course I worry what's next for me? Lately, I've been watching the 70's show Family a lot lately too. Those days when I was just a teenager. I was so worried about becoming an adult. Wow! life is just a circle that goes around and around. I see things that I've seen before only in different forms, shapes and sizes. That's what my mind have been wandering about over and over again.

                                                                      Moving On

Man, I hate having this experience yet again moving into another place. I'm blessed yes in deed. My landlord had another place for me to rent. That's what I hate me never buying a house. Which is way I keep finding myself in this very frustrating place all over again. I'm so blessed not having to go look for a place and having this place not far from the place I'm living in now. It's a cute place so much smaller than what I have now. I'm grateful that it's a flat and not an apartment because I'm still not ready to live in an apartment building with lots of people around. 

It's great that God knows our desires He knew I didn't want that. Yet, I find myself upset that I have to move again. I kick myself all the time that all my life I've had a job but yet I never saved enough money to buy a house for myself. This is so heartbreaking for me that I didn't value myself enough to not make away for me to own my own house.  I have to laugh at myself because I pride myself on being a little more educated then my parents but yet my mother own her own home she even died in her house. Look at me worked all my life working everyday and no house to show my work. That's so heartbreaking. 

I can't really blame anyone but myself for this. I put myself in this situation so I don't have anyone to blame for being in this predicament that I find myself in at this place in my life. It doesn't say much about me, right? I can't turn back the hands of time and make things better or do things differently. I'm here and all I can say is don't be like me. I can't find any other way to express how bad I feel about being in this space in my life. 

Home owner ship is a beautiful thing and I truly missed the boat in not making that happen for me. I can only hope that my granddaughter do much better than I.

                                                                     AARP

I'm 64 and my son is 49 that time of seeing him grow just flew by. I can't believe the conversation we had the other day.  I couldn't imagine that we this day would come. I imagined high school graduation picking out photos to give to people for graduation. I thought about picking a college he would attend but for some odd reason I didn't imagine this day, talking about retiring. 

He's thinking about retiring soon and looking into another job.  I'm thinking about retiring and the next five years and this starts our conversation. In my mind I didn't want to see him retire I wanted to see him working as a police officer for at least 10 more years. I just didn't want to see him as a older man. A full grown man. A man that has watched his own child go off to college and now getting ready to finished her dissertation in Chemistry.  Here we were talking about retiring. I listened to him talk about starting his life over doing something else with his life. This isn't the conservation that I just couldn't imagine being around to hear that conversation. Although, we're only fifteen years ago I saw myself much older than he. The hands of time just keeps on clicking although it may seem slow it really speeds along. 

Before I know it I'll have a great grandchild greeting me.

Oh Them Bones

 

Oh, Them Bones

Being 64, is a pain in my knee. My life has changed so drastically because my knees ache all the time. I really shouldn't be so surprise seeing that arthritis runs deep within my family. I thought I was going to get past it because I've been doing well all this time. It all started about three years ago after I would play tennis my body would feel funny. No pain just not feeling well.  Then a year later my knee would hurt. Now it's hurts all the time. I'm not happy about this at all. I really don't want to look into getting surgery only because I just don't want to be cut on. 

This life change is just what I didn't want to happen to me as I aged. I've been working out more since then. I continue to look at myself looking for more signs of aging. Why am I getting so worked up over this? Aging is going to happen I just have to except this and continue on. Yes, I can do something like workout and probably look into getting the surgery. I believe there is more going on with me when it comes to aging. I'm not ready to really look deep into it. There' so many changes that are really happening that I feel as life is just over coming me. I'll have to take a deep breath, pray and move on. I probably need to get the rubbing cream close by too.